If I am alive, I will have a Taco-Bell-themed party for my 43rd birthday
I think getting older
is when true rebellion
shows itself.
It is easy to be rebellious
when you are young, hot and clueless,
and passionate without any broken parts.
There is more naiveté than bravery
in the young years of youth,
but in age we embrace the end.
Thirty was so long ago,
but I am more punk rock now
than I ever was.
sometimes crepes look like the moon and family looks like friends
making crepes with Brune
and listening to a song called "Sexyland"
by a band called Crepes.
bothering Pernille
via WhatsApp
while she is trying to work.
spoke to Abby
this morning
about LA in September.
thought about Lauren Grace
the gorgeous flake,
maybe I will leave another poem on her car.
sent Enid a funny meme
of Nickelback
singing Christmas songs.
haven't heard from my older sister.
don't have a mom.
but I am good.
"It's Just Pain."
We are all betrayed by time
and burned by our own inferno of fear.
I am doomed on my absentee dad's side,
and cursed on my alcoholic mom's side.
Creativity is born of the rawest moments
of passion and struggle.
I give thanks to unknown blessings,
and when the sun comes out I chase it.
Jesus Reginald Vel Michael Jackson (the gift of now, a present)
fingering my phone,
forking a piece of cake
into my mouth hole,
while absent mindedly
finishing Mulholland Drive.
falling asleep on the couch
while watching The Great British Bake Off,
looking forward to sweet dreams
of times when this is behind me,
looking back on the nightmares
I need to leave behind.
brushing my teeth
with hot water,
staring in the mirror at my chest:
the port is on my right, your left,
and the surgery scar goes from
the xiphoid process to my pubes.
when I am eating cake
and watching a movie
or farting around on my phone
at least I am not thinking
about death.
Sunday Theodore
Yes, Lucy,
forever is,
indeed,
a feeling.
It's in music
and smells,
poetry
and people.
Yes, Lucy,
there's a big
hole
in the world.
It's politics
and promises,
it's joyful regrets
and lovable lies.
Yes, Lucy,
never is,
indeed,
a real thing.
Poem
I like kissing
just to kiss.
I believe
in closing your eyes
and just kissing.
Not to fuck
or fall in love.
Just kiss
to kiss.
Baphomet
the cruel joke is
when you're young
days are short
but life is long
and when you're old
days are long
but life is short.
Vignes 202
Reading about Lady Day
as the sun rises outside
and its rays seep through
the brown horizontal blinds,
stopping time,
like jazz itself,
the motes of dust
as the notes of music
as a miraculous malignant moment
fades into the forgotten future
also known as the permanent past.
one thousand more dreams without numbers
I've had no dreams
during this cancer time.
The rain is the only thing
that relaxes me
and it hasn't rained in weeks.
I hope I enter Heaven
like a walk off home run.
the sweetest thing you've never said to me
as God Only Knows by The Beach Boys plays...
Soulmates aren't exclusively romantic
and you don't only get just one!
You can have a music soulmate,
another for movies,
one for your dark sense of humor,
and anyone who understands
the depths of you.
Stay in awe of the incalculable odds
of the tandem randomness both of you exist
in the same timeline.
apologies to anyone who ever thought I was cool only to discover I am just a weird little fellow
there is so much to live for.
there is so much to die for.
I rip tear myself open
wanting them equally.
even in the darkest times,
will there be dancing?
hundo p!
the human obsession with "purpose"
may just be a distraction
from the absurdity of existence,
but at least I found mine.
In this deft and restless oeuvre of life...
I’d give anything
To be 25 again
Just for a day,
Just so I can remember
That 25 sucked.
?
if you're so good at living
gimme a lesson!
I ain't no good at this shit,
no need for confession.
One minute, I was 13 years old doing all that I could
just a scared white boy in a puerto rican neighborhood.
And the next moment, I am 42
with a daughter and cancer.
So please, if you're so good at living,
share the answer.
Lincoln's Last Werds
I consider myself an “anxious optimist”—
a natural worrier with a stubborn sense of good cheer.
The way I see it is one day we are going to die
and then someone is going to have fun leafing through our stuff.
How I should like to visit Tokyo sometime,
and find a time travel coffee shop.
I'll leave a book and bring back a book,
evidence that I existed anywhere for a spell.
a natural worrier with a stubborn sense of good cheer.
The way I see it is one day we are going to die
and then someone is going to have fun leafing through our stuff.
How I should like to visit Tokyo sometime,
and find a time travel coffee shop.
I'll leave a book and bring back a book,
evidence that I existed anywhere for a spell.
"our job on this Earth is to leave artifacts."
I wonder if this is the first time
or the thousandth
I have lived this existence?
Wonder is what makes the jukebox play.
I think about this over lunch,
a house caesar salad
and a side of fries,
and Kerouac's Book of Sketches.
If this is the thousandth, am I getting better at it or worse?
In a parallel life,
we sit across from each other
at the kitchen table
and make a grocery list.
Our job on this Earth is to leave artifacts.
I am living my own explosion,
leaving books behind me,
as evidence I was here this go round.
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