Eat plant-based cobra meat with Larry Bird while refusing to believe lacrosse is hard

I wish tears shot put,
sprayed like a squirt gun,
the kind you win
with tickets that the arcade.

I wish tears made a sound
like a leaky faucet,
turned upside down
like Dr. Seuss' nightmares. 

I wish tears were cold,
like water from a pink Stanley,
next to a plate of lava-centered Totino's Pizza Rolls
for contrast to tongue.