meditations aside from working on the podcast

First time not having a manic schedule since August of 2023. 
Relaxing is weird to me. Do you know this feeling?
 
I’m sitting in the tranquility of a blank calendar. 
Under a blanket made of old t-shirts of mine.
But instead of tranquility I feel desperation. 
Desperation to keep making stuff. 
If I don’t, the fear of it all going away becomes real. 
I don’t think my desperation will ever go away. 
I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
 
Painting has been engaging. 
Working out has been okay (I hate working out).
Painting is like a treadmill for your brain. 
I just put my brain on the treadmill until it gets tired. 
Last night, I painted a VHS copy of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
and then used it as a stamp on a couple canvases.